Intuition

"The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to."

i feel as if...

i don't exist

as if

my heart is limp

tripped

from the stares

and glares,

shared

through the

pairs of eyes, giving room for emotions to

slip and slide into imaginable places...created by me..

So is it me to blame?

To shame

myself by attempting to

claim a realm of chaotic joy?

to facilitate an area of which only my ideas co-exist

no matter how the impossible their existence is

because

common sense is now nonsense

and my own sense becomes the only sense

in this world of my illusions

sketched by my assumptions

colored by my perceptions and detailed by my

"intuition"...

In this place,

my fantasy

of which has come to an end

because i no longer

exist

in

it.

Yours Truly,

Clammy<3

My Cure.

Bed, laying. Wall, gazing.

Pillow, wetting. Sheets, staining.

Tears, flowing. Gums, bleeding.

Eyes, Closing. Heart, throbbing.

Sounds, fading. Pain, spreading

Problem, solving.

Afigure.

When you look into my eyes

how would you know

what lays

beneth

me?

what can

you use to

outline my identity?

Grenched with sorrow

in search of felicity

with true empathy,

And see through my

deception to where

lies my

sensitivity?

For in this place

i need company....

A figure with heart and creativity

to be ale to reassemble missing pieces

of me...

to connect with me

and easily see

the love needed

within me

A figure to

...lay inside me

....to love me?

Yours Truthly,

Clam

Motherly love

She shivers in her crib. Her teeth claps incessantly, applauding the cold brisk atmostphere. Her eyes sweat, in a paranoid attempt to find her. Her nose is tensed up with blood rushing to its tip and feeling of harsh wind pricking her throat. Shriving and blue, are her tiny legs that never had a chance lay still on a bland, wet cloth. Her heart pounds like african drums during a sacrifice. Her sight starts to blur as she is being pulled out of her world. Slowly and painfully her blues, greens and pinks mirage to turn white, her white starts to fade and now she is caged in the dark. Now she smiles in silence and say, "Job well done."

She has learned the definition of Hopelessness. The hands of the woman she left her life within just to throw her trust away. Though still alive, this four year old was taught this by her own mother ; leaving her for days to go and do her selfish deeds while her daughter awaits her return. Little did she know, young Anabel just learned the lesson of her lifetime. An event that watered the seed to future wraths, sprouting out of toxic soil, to bloom flowers with venimous nectum. Such a sad faith...could have been avoided by a hint of care. But till this day, grown Anabel whispers...

"Job well done mother," she says..." job well done."

So Far...

Life has a funny way of revealing its true essence to us. Bad experiences to create good ones; Confusing times to create understandable situations; Sad hearts to create happy souls...life uses this method to test our being and how much we trust ourselves. By exposing us to the bad first and then revealing the true meaning to us in the end, we find ourselves on a journey to find what is most important to us. To some is family, others best friends and with most it's both. But these are just secondary elements that we mistaken as a 1st priority. What most fail to recognize is that they, themselves, are the most important.

Yes this sounds selfish but its the truth. Without ourselves, our family and friends wont matter. If we really didnt care about ourselves, we would not be able to care for others; for we must be alive to care for them. Whether physically, emotionally or mentally, we must be alive. Our health in those senses might not be perfect but the point is that we must be alive. We must love ourselves before the other factors, such as family and friends, can fully come into play. We might not like what we are turning into as life strikes at any waken momments, but we must realize that, in the end, we are the ones that matter. It is up to us to change ourselves, not anyone else. We cannot fully enjoy the company of our loved ones untill we see that we are beautiful. & I trully believe we all are beautiful...including my enemies. Not everyone will like you or love you but there ARE people who will, whether you are surrounded by them or not.

Message; Life is an obstacle on its own, our duty is to see it as an opportunity to make ourselves stronger. We must lie to ourself in order to know who we are. & we should always remember...the sun must sink in order to rise again

Your Truly,

Clam ♥

Life is wonderful...

I actually cried while listening to this. Making so much sense, Jason Mraz sings the truths of life.

Patiently waiting...

Dear God,



Last night, i prayed that you would take my life away...but yet im still alive. Is it becuase i did something bad that you don't want to grant my wish? I have nothing left of me to give and i haven't been recieving any thing so what is there for me to have? why am i still here.Let me guess, to do a good deed in someone elses life right?? God please take me away! im begging of you...please. I want to erase all traces of my existance(not that i ever mattered)...my only regret is that i wouln't be with him anymore and i swear he and my brother are the only one stopping me...the only ones holding my hand so i don't jump of the face of this earth while everyone else watches. Wait...whose even watching? WHO EVEN CARES?...im tired of all the broken promises, the appearent lies,and ovious selfishness i constantly get from people. I can honestly say i dont wanna belong. I care so much for poeple that only care about themselves. I put their happiness before mines while they put their happiness, "loved ones" and then desirs before the thought of me comes to mind. You know how i know...actions speak louder than words. They swear all they have to do is please my ears by saying what they think i wanna hear while they are unconciously scareing my eyes as i watch contradiction occur first hand. And everytime it happens tears like puss flow out of my eyes as a new scare forms.huuuh...all in all im tired. i need to leave. no one needs me here."She" is perfectly fine without me although shes happy with "him" and its nore apparent every single day.although ill miss them,my mom has my brother and my dad has his kids in ghana so i can be less of a burden...i was never the perfect child they wanted anyway.The only ones i would truly miss is him and my brother soo God if you ever take me away one day, i want them to know i love them forever more. God, just know im never going to take my life away but when you decide its my turn to go[ hopefully soon] dont hesitate...just do it as fast as possible. But untill then thank you for the gift of life. It is surly the best blessing one can ever have...but i guess im not desearving of it. so untill then, i'll just wait pat i e n t l y =).



In Jesus name...Amen

Yours truly,

content Clam ♥

Weep

I cry...

tears of

sorrow, failure

regret, pain & anger.

Mixed in with the doubt of

my future,my success and dreams.

Tears like bullets shotting through my

eyes winning this hardly fought battle of

depression in which i tried to disguise with

a mask called joy. But she disappeared once

the battle was over.She flew of my face with

hesitation...refusing to lose her job as my

illusion.But after she left, the contents of

my tears spelled out every ingredient

to my anger & pain, regret

failure, sorrow of tears

...i cry

Yous truly,

Clam

1st Choice's Shadow.

*Note: This is in general and not specifically for my love*


She is the woman you invisioned all your life. The one who has all the imperfections within her that makes her perfect to you. The one that looks like everything you've ever imagined. The girl that at first glance, you knew was the one. With No hesistation, no rethinking, and with no second thoughts; you knew you had to have her. Past all your feelings of intimidation as a results of the dominate way she carries herself, you are willing to make that risk..to risk it all.Her captivating smile and enchanting charm that lets you know that God has answered your silent prayers. She has both the brains and beauty you have been searching for your whole life.She repersents all that you want and need in a woman...Thats not me.

But i come in second place.I am the one, one must look deep down and search long and hard to find to find just a resemblance of ones 1st choice. Since they have never met her yet, they think it is me. You ask why would i would come up with an excuse for my insecurity? My ability to formulate such a "trite" excuse for why im second choice? Maybe its because it took them months to realize that i am the "one". Maybe it's because they looked and tried everyone around me before they focused on me. Like they purposly avoided me to make sure i wasn't a mistake; to test them out first.Maybe its because of the things they would do in my face with other infatuations without regardess to me. Maybe its because i never start with a clean plate. There is always some sort ot of burn or stain or maybe even leftovers still on my plate that i have to accomadate to make things work. And i dont want to accomadate but it seems like that all i will ever get...scared plates. All i want is just to be a dream girl...mrs. first choice. But first impressions kill my dreams of that ever occuring..not mines, their actions scare the future.
There is nothing, absolutly nothing one can do to make me unthink these thoughts because the past is done. All the actions towards our first impressions of each other will never unfold in my mind. I end up loving with all thats within me and it hurts to know that one had to search really hard and long and rethought me for the word "us" to only become visible to the definition of me and them.Yet when we get together, you act as if you longed loved me from the start...but we both know that IS and FOREVER will be a lie.Whether it's a state of how one gets around one's property/possesions or not that cause them to show so much emotions towards me...i will never know.

....im guessing 1st place isn't my destiny...but i am forced to forever live in her shadow...such a curse to never be her ='(

Starlight,star bright.

As he pores out the content of his mind; his questions, conclusions and confusions, into my mind like a funnel from my delicate ear lobe into my brain, he builds bridges of distant thoughts of mine I never thought could ever be linked. He spells out "facts" from places of the mind no one would dare to even acknowledge exists within them. Places in which the truth and the curse lay fast asleep in comfort of one another...yet he dwells within it. He uncounciously amazes me with his findings and inferences.His voices in all of his different moods excites my heart and brain like hungry cats waiting to be feed. It massages my heart, tickles my ears and has my brain growling. Anxiously awaiting for him to fill them with his own. And once I am full, I become high of his being, his auro..his presence: and its something rehab cannot cure.

He strays in lost paths of those unknown places of his mind and feels trapped within its darkness. All alone near the truth but never at reachable distance. He stretches and throws himself to the truth, but no matter what, can never touch it and he knows that.And that's where the sick curse begins. He tries to give up and stop but an incessant stamina keeps him from giving up, the curse of the mind.Holding him against his will, constantly over excersising the mind and dwelling in his mind makes it a painful sight for me to see. He sinks into depression, somewhere he doesnt belong.Suffers from time to time wanting to beg for a way out but not doing so because he is alone.

And unfortunately, he is alone.But when it gets dark, the stars will come out. Sparkle from a long distance so that one can be aware of its existance and its blessing. Although it isn't beside, in front or behind, it is there to show him that there is light. That somewhere out there someone is thinking about him. Someone is reaching out to pull him within her reach and wants to expose him to new airs. But he doesn't see it..yet. He knows it exist but seeing is believing. There are times where he does overcome the curse, temperarily, and he gazes into the stars and somewhat understands the concept.But the curse strikes again and he loses sight of the stars and gets lost in the shadows of darkness.

& at times like this, i just want to yell
"I am your stars."...maybe then he can dwell in peace knowing he is begin watched and cared for and maybe someday he can dwell in me...

To: my love

Yours Truly,
Clam♥

To My Sweetest Downfall.

"A lover, when he is admitted to cards, ought to be solemnly silent, and observe the motions of his mistress. He must laugh when she laughs, sigh when she sighs. In short, he should be the shadow of her mind."

-Henry Fielding-

1707-1754, British Novelist, Dramatist

**Note; This is NOT directed to anyone & it is in the perspective of a man**

Dear _______ ,

What happened to you? What happened to the light in your eyes? That glimmer of sunshine that luminated my night and day? What happened to the smile that warmed my heart with joy. To the snicker that assured me that you were human? The incessant beats to your heart that was my favorite lullaby?...the song that kept me alive? To your touch that once upon my skin tricked trails of goosebumps to flow all over my body, inflecting chills down my spine, and creating involuntary yet lovely contractions of my muscles?

Oh what happened to that angelic voice that once released into thin air immediatly began to hypnotize me, giving me the sense of inferiority to your presence? To the taste so sweet and addictive that as like my breathe, took all my worries and problems away, securing me withing your lips?? To your tears that sank into my flesh, flowed through my vain, attacking me like a virus and causing me to be sick??!! And that smell? Damn that sweet delicious scent that was my drug, my crack, taking me on trips unknown to man?!?!?!

Where did it all go? Vanish like the release of hot air into a cold february atmosphere? Like the privaling winds on a breezy autum day?...gone like innocence of a child once it witness the wrath of war...dissappeared like a bright morning turned into skys of gray?

...this cant be!!! IT CANNOT BE!!!! Why?? Please, why did you leave youself?? How could you let a present, a precious gift, such a blessing go so quickly!! You had it all. You were my all. I gave my life for you. Equiped with everything any women would want within her entity and...you didnt even know. You have left yourself alone...and cold. Thinking it was for the better...yet you can't even recognize yourself in the mirror. So after all of what you've done, all that we had been through...all of what you had...tell me now, was it worth it??

...to be alone?


...to have no one to hold?



...to face manslaughter of my mind, body and soul?

Yours truly,

Clam

Him&i; master of lies

"Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea."
- Henry Fielding-

him&i

were like birds to the sky

he'd fly while i'd provide

oh how we complimeted each other

that night...

him&i

were like what's to why's

i asked while he repied

oh how we completed out thoughts

that night..

him&i

are like tears to the eyes

i cry while he lies

oh how we contradict ourselves

tonight.

yet...

him&i

are like water and fire

we steam while we ignite

oh how we lie to each other

...all night ;)

Yours Truly,

Clam